I'm not ready for this.

So it's official. My Nana is dating Bill. He's a nice enough guy. But not only are they dating they are talking about marriage. WTFreak? Since when does dating lead to marriage? OK, so I know I'm being a tad bit irrational...but dang! I'm just getting used to seeing him in my Papa's house without cringing. And I'm still trying to deal with seeing them holding hands and giggling like a bunch of teenagers. I told her she better slow down and she said, "We won't do anything you wouldn't do." WELL, that's just freaking Great, NANA! And with that I told her, " Well, if you can't be good then you might as well be good at what you do." She giggled and I'm hoping it's because what I said was funny and not because she was agreeing with me.

I really am happy for her. It wouldn't be SO bad if she wouldn't have said the words "marry" and "February" in the same sentence. That just makes me feel sick. I really don't care what she does or who with as long as she doesn't do it in that house. I mean, if she wants to get married that's fine. I just hope she moves to a different house.

American Idiot?

I watched American Idol tonight. I like the first few shows especially because all the crazys come out and audition. I have to say that they have had a few really crazy ones this year. But my favorite so far has to be the girl that came with the stuff she printed off line about singing. Like she was trying to make herself knowledgeable about vocal coaching overnight or something. And Ryan asked her if she got it straight out of Health class and she said no the internet. That was pretty funny. And she kept making up words and pronouncing words incorrectly. Like trachea. She kept saying tra-she-a. And then Ryan corrected her. Hahaha. But the two funniest parts was when she said she messed up singing because she used the wrong rectum? OMG! Me and mom almost died laughing. Dustin said maybe she was looking at the diagram upside down. LOL! And then after it was over she said something like, " If they could have ear-rack-a-tate me." WHAT the HECK does that even mean? I know it's not a word. Or two words blended even. I couldn't even spell it so I just spelled it like she pronounced it. Too Funny!

Underlying Issues

I am a smart girl. No, I didn't go to college. And Yes, my Grammar and punctuation suck. But I'm still pretty smart. I am constantly thinking which gets annoying but I can usually figure things out. Well, People things that is. I'm usually pretty good at helping others out and I have a tendency to try to be helpful. And I know it probably gets annoying for others. But that's just how I am. I guess if I am helping other then I don't have to try to fix my own stuff. It takes me a little longer to get a grasp on what is going on with me. But it's a process. There are signs and you just have to read them. I just don't usually analyze myself very much because it makes my head hurt. Most of the time when little things start to bother you there is an underlying bigger issue that really is the problem. I can start to tell when this happens to me. I get all nit picky and everything gets on my nerves. I'm usually pretty patient. So then I start trying to figure out what the "real" issue is. And that can be sort of hard to figure out about yourself. If I know other peoples situations I can usually pick out the problem pretty easily. But I have learned that you can not point out the obvious because people tend to freak out. You just have to let them realize it on their own. And also I usually know how to fix the problem. But like I said, it's hard to do that stuff on yourself.

I have been messed up for quite sometime. I wasn't really sure what the problem was but the main thing is I didn't even want to deal with it anyway. I just got to the point where it was like everything was just shut down. I couldn't feel anything. I was just sort of numb. I could cry about things that were not really important. Like for instance if something happened on a television show or the news. Or if I heard about something really bad happening to someone else. I could cry for all those things. But not about something happening to me. Nothing was getting to me. Like I said, it was like I was shut down. Like I had an off switch. I didn't really care about the things that were happening to me. I mean, I cared about some things but nothing was really able to effect me. So I started acting out I guess. Trying to feel something. Anything.

And that was probably the worst thing that I could have ever done. It started to make me question who I really was. For a long time, I have known who I am and what I stand for. I'm not one of those people who just go through life with out any purpose. I believe everyone has a purpose whether they know it or not. But like I said, I started to question. And as soon as that started happening then other things started to come back up. Issues that I had already dealt with and overcame started to become issues again. I started to feel like I was starting over.

But then I realized, I'm not. I have come to a place in my life where those things should not matter. And now they only matter again because I opened myself back up to those things.

So how do I fix it? I have no idea. But I have been thinking a lot about that underlying issue. And I think I may have found the source. So maybe if I can fix it then everything else will fall back into place. Maybe. :)

What is it with men?

Dustin has been complaining that I spent too much time online. Well, that may be true but still. It kinda makes me frustrated. I mean, I don't say... well, you work too much. I know it's totally different but whatever. I am ranting here. :) And then he let me get unlimited text messaging but gets mad when I get texted. Men are so confusing sometimes! I mean it would be different if I were constantly texting which I am not doing. Or if I was texting at really inappropriate times or something. Or even if we were doing something and I started texting. But the main thing is that we are not. If he wants to spend time with me then great. Maybe he should say that. But don't get mad when ever i'm bored to death and decide to talk to someone else.

Friday, JANUARY 16, 2009

My dad came down from Tennessee. It was supposed to be my Dad, my brother Adam, and my sister Mikala but Adam had some school activities he had to attend so he couldn't come down. I thought they would get here at 12pm but I should have known with my Dad. lol. They ended up getting to Hattiesburg at 9:30 am. They waited for a while to come to my house because Tyler was still in school. I think they came over a little after 12pm. Anyway, My dad ended up telling me that he had invited a bunch of people to my house to stay the night. Naturally, I was a little freaked out because we don't have that much room here and I was a little worried with just my dad's three. Plus our heat is screwed up so we are using portable heaters and I was afraid that any extra company might freeze to death. It ended up not being too bad though. It was just 3 of my cousins from his side of the family. Mariah (13 yo), Lexi (12 yo), and Riley(9 yo). Around 1:30pm My dad sent me to pick up some groceries for dinner. He ended up making chicken and dumplings, macaroni and cheese, English pea salad, and deviled eggs. While I was out I decided to pick up Tyler from school. He was excited to see Mikala since I had forgot to mention to him that they would be coming down. When we got home my dad showed me how to make chicken and dumplings which was a lot easier than I had thought it would be. Dustin usually gets home from work early on Fridays but there was this huge thing that happened that day so he didn't get home until after 5pm. After dinner, Dad left to go get the kids. They were all going to see Twilight that night. I just figured that I would be able to get in bed early since I had been up since 5 am and they were going to the 9pm movie. Haha...no. Somewhere between my dad offering to pay for mine and Dustin's tickets and offering to keep my 3 kiddos, I got talked into taking them. I had been wanting to see Twilight again anyway. It turned out to be a lot of fun. The kids were really funny. And they were very respectful. I usually don't like other peoples kids because they sometimes can be brats. What? Well...I'm just saying! Anyway, After the movie I was a little wired. I had eaten a few pieces of reece's pieces and drank a Dr Pepper. I usually don't eat a lot of chocolate or drink a lot of coke. So add in the not much sleep and I was pretty much your average drunk person. Well, a loud and obnoxious one anyway. When we were leaving the theater someone honked at us and when I got a better look I saw that it was my mom. My mom, Aunt Marcia, and Loriee had went to the movies that night as well. We went over and talked for a minute but it was freezing cold out. As we were leaving the parking lot my mom ended up getting behind us and honking really loudly. It scared the kids in the car and I realized they didn't know it was my mom. SO I rolled down the window and started screamin' stuff like "What's your problem, Lady?" and "Don't make me get out of this car cuz I will!" She started yelling back. It was pretty funny. And the kids were freaking out. Anyway, we got this random idea to go to walmart and buy another heater. I was afraid that the kids would be cold. Haha...I'm so motherly. :) Walmart was hilarious. And that's pretty much all I can say about it. I pretty much do not need to go out in public after 11pm. Especially when I am that hyper. We made it home all in one piece thank God. So I got the kids settled in and Dustin set up their heater. After all that, I could not go to sleep. I ended up staying up the rest of the night watching a movie. Needless to say I had a huge headache the next day and did not want to get up at all.

What the flip?

I got a flip. I love it. It's really easy to use. If you are not sure what is it just check out whattheflip.com. I have gotten some really cute videos. Usually though, I will get the cutest video and then some one will do something really perverted and then I can't show it. *Ahem...Dustin* And then I got a few more that were funny but...No one wants me to show them to anyone.

It's so not fair. I think that if you guys don't want me to show them then you should stop being so funny.

And the funniest part is that I can't video anything without laughing. So the entire time you can hear obnoxious laughter in the back ground.

Hopefully, I will get better and stop laughing so much. Or at least maybe I will learn how to do it quietly.

And something else...

I love XM radio. I have found that now I don't really want to leave my car. And I have been writing more. Mostly in the car. Not while driving though. That's bad. It only took me once to almost wreck to decide that it's probably not a good idea. But I have been inspired. Maybe not just by the XM radio but other stuff.

Everything has been sort of cloudy lately. But now it's starting to clear up. It's not completely clear but I can see the rays of sun shining through and that makes me hopeful. And really that's what you need to get better.

I'm getting better. So don't be so worried. (Mom!)

A few things.

1. I am really excited about my Dad, Adam, and Mikala coming down tomorrow.

2. I have been craving pineapple all week. Pineapple dip, Pineapple pizza, Pineapple smoothie that had a horrible taste after I paid $3 for it. What's that about?

3. I am super excited that my favorite tight jeans are not fitting anymore because they are too big and are falling off!

4. I have had 10 people compliment me in person this week about my weight loss. Freakin Sweet!

5. I am so looking forward to summer. It just hit me all of a sudden. I want to be outside and not freezing. At least living here I don't have to wait that long because spring is pretty much like summer. Just not as hot.

6. I love all of my children but I would like to brag on just one of them for a minute. Maybe it's because she is the baby but she is totally adorable. She has the cutest personality. She is so funny and smart. She's only 2 but she acts like she knows everything. Usually, when babies are trying to tell you something and you can't understand them then they have a melt down and cry. Not my Cadee. She will repeat it over and over until "you" understand what she is saying. She will say yes or no until you get it. Looking at you like you are an idiot. And her laugh. She has the cutest laugh I have ever heard. It is so deep. Almost like how Santa Clause would say HoHoHo. Except she says HaHaha. And she does this fake cry when she doesn't get her way. It is so funny because you know it's fake. I can't help but to laugh. And she talks so good for her age. She knows everything. I just can't understand what she is saying part of the time. Mostly because she is trying to talk in a full sentence using big words for a 2 year old. And she gets so tickled about the funniest things. And usually it will be very random. One night she was playing on the floor and I snorted my nose at her and she died laughing for like 10 minutes. Saying "eww gross! Mommy's a pig." I love being a mommy. And all these things are exactly the reason why.