Letting Go
Although it hurts, it seems necessary.
There is nothing I can do.
My hands are tied.
Either way there is pain.
So I'm letting go.
I just don't want to hurt anymore.
I wish you could see it through my eyes.
But you can't.
You have made up your mind.
So I'm letting go.
There was a time when it was different.
When words were used to bring us together.
But now all they do is tears us apart.
So I'm letting go.
I can't change what you think.
But I have to stay true to me.
I know who I am.
Even if you can't see.
So I'm letting go.
I don't want it to be mean.
Or to hurt you in any way.
So I will hold my tongue.
Hurt me if you must.
But I'm letting go.
-Penny
Thursday, July 28, 2011
July 28, 2011
Today was a good day. I slept really well last night. When I woke up this morning I had this poem on my mind that I've been thinking of for a few days. Today it was more vivid so I finally just wrote it down. If you are interested in is written in my previous post. Then work went well. I got a really nice complement from a really dear friend. Laughed until I almost cried. Had an appearance from my (stalker). Got asked to visit a guy from Ohio in the fall based purely on my voice. haha. That was definitely interesting. And I learned that I lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks. Over all, a really great day. =)
Fallen Star
My love was a mountain. A fortress. A burning passion that could not be tamed. His love for me a weapon to defend what we had created. His eyes were like diamonds. Strong and fierce. His passion held his position in the sky. I followed without caution. I knew he would not lead me astray.
Suddenly, his eyes did not shine. And his passion turned to the blackest black. His strong hands turned to a cold shoulder. Then I watched as he fell to ground. Its a strange sight to see a fallen star. To see what once was and what now is. What once was bright and fruitful now laying dead and lifeless at my feet.
My eyes that once burned like a raging fire for him now smoldered to a simple flame. He looked up at me in hopes that I would see the man that he once was. All I saw was a fallen star.
Suddenly, his eyes did not shine. And his passion turned to the blackest black. His strong hands turned to a cold shoulder. Then I watched as he fell to ground. Its a strange sight to see a fallen star. To see what once was and what now is. What once was bright and fruitful now laying dead and lifeless at my feet.
My eyes that once burned like a raging fire for him now smoldered to a simple flame. He looked up at me in hopes that I would see the man that he once was. All I saw was a fallen star.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I've missed my blog...
It has literally been FOREVER since I last posted on here. So much has change. I'm officially divorced. I moved to Tennessee. Now I'm a single mother of three. Kinda hard to say that aloud but anyway. It's a lot to handle. But I'm doing it. I never thought I would get to this place where I feel like I can do anything and nothing is holding me back. Except dating. lol. I've never really been good at dating. Being a mother of 3 and having to start dating again has been crazy. I have plenty of dates to choose from but I have found that I have become extra picky. I guess its because after all that I have been through I truly know what I want...and don't want. And I'm not willing to settle for anything less. I don't think that is too much to ask.
Also, I have made a lot of changes in me. I'm trying to become a better person. And that in itself has been really hard. I've had to ask myself some really hard questions and face somethings that were really difficult to think about. Overall, I feel brand new. Life is good. And its only going to get better.
Also, I have made a lot of changes in me. I'm trying to become a better person. And that in itself has been really hard. I've had to ask myself some really hard questions and face somethings that were really difficult to think about. Overall, I feel brand new. Life is good. And its only going to get better.
Friday, March 19, 2010
March 19, 2010
Well, this week has been kind of crazy.
Monday: My Dad had asked me to come to visit him at my step grandparents house for a bit before I had to head to work. He lives in Tennessee and was down briefly. So I made arrangements to get my kids a sitter early and drive to Hattiesburg, which is about 25-30 minutes away, early so I could see him before I headed to work. I had told him that I had to be at work at 2 pm. So I arrive and guess what? He is not there. Nor my step mom or brother. Just my little sister. And my step grandpa, whom for the record was very silent. So my dad text me and it says they will be back in a minute bc they had to go to Sam's to get toilet paper. Who makes a quick run to Sam's for toilet paper? Anyway, they finally showed up about 5 minutes before I had to leave to go to work. He did however have enough time to ask about my marital status and who some random guy who posts stuff on my updates from facebook is. Well, in that case why not just send me a message on facebook? Why make me parade to Hattiesburg early to sit around when I could have been spending time with my kiddos who just so happen to be out of school this week? Whom I never get to see, I might add.
And for the record, my marital status is just like my facebook says....It's complicated.
That's how I feel lately, and this is a prime example, people don't really care about you or your hurt. They just want to know the juicy details and what you have done wrong.
He even went on to say, " ....You better straighten up. I can see what you do now." Umm, No you can't. It's facebook. You only see what I let you see. You may be thinking of this other thing called "real life" where you actually care about and want to spend time with your kid from a previous marriage. That way you actually know them and have a relationship with them. Therefore, in turn you know/see what they do.
Also, I was just starting to be sick on Monday with sinus mess and a sore throat.
Tuesday: I was feeling worse. I was pretty miserable all that day. Had to work as usual though. I promise I sneezed everytime the phone rang that day which was like 40 times. Gotta make that money though. You know, to support all those bad habbits that I post about on FB.
Wednesday: My off day. Yeah. I was sooo sick. The night before, the days of sinus mess had been replaced with puking my guts up. I don't think I even left the couch at all that day except to vomit. Not attractive at all....
Thursday: Had to work again. At some point Wednesday night I had pulled myself together enough to get a shower. Thank God. That made me feel human again. But then my 3 y.o. came down with the vicious vomit bug early Thursday morning. Just when I was basking in my cleanliness. That made for an interesting morning. Plus I could barely talk. I guess my sore throat from Monday had finally settled into a rasp. Anyway, by 1 pm I was feeling much better and was really excited to see the light of day. And be out of the vomit house of horrors. Even if it was to go to work. Then once I finally made it to work my new bff A from work kept me entertained pretty much all night. She is so funny. Just like me. I know we better keep it down at work though because I definitely don't want them to separate us. She keeps saying she's going to give my number out to guys at work. She is soo crazy. I told her I am on a man diet. (That's what you go on when you consistently choose the wrong man for yourself. But hey! A least I'm consistent, right?) She doesn't believe me but its true. She thinks I'm boy crazy. And maybe I am a little. Kinda always have been. I call it having an appreciation for eye candy. But I have this idea. I am going to forget about men, work on myself, and in the end make them crazy about me. Sounds like a great plan to me. Who has time to be daydreaming about men? Or wondering if they are thinking about you? Or if they will text you? Not me. I want it so that there is no question of his interest. It would be astoundingly obvious. ;)
And here it is early Friday morning. And I am off for two FaBoLoUs days in a row. I feel amazing. And I am really excited and ready to have some fun. =)
Monday: My Dad had asked me to come to visit him at my step grandparents house for a bit before I had to head to work. He lives in Tennessee and was down briefly. So I made arrangements to get my kids a sitter early and drive to Hattiesburg, which is about 25-30 minutes away, early so I could see him before I headed to work. I had told him that I had to be at work at 2 pm. So I arrive and guess what? He is not there. Nor my step mom or brother. Just my little sister. And my step grandpa, whom for the record was very silent. So my dad text me and it says they will be back in a minute bc they had to go to Sam's to get toilet paper. Who makes a quick run to Sam's for toilet paper? Anyway, they finally showed up about 5 minutes before I had to leave to go to work. He did however have enough time to ask about my marital status and who some random guy who posts stuff on my updates from facebook is. Well, in that case why not just send me a message on facebook? Why make me parade to Hattiesburg early to sit around when I could have been spending time with my kiddos who just so happen to be out of school this week? Whom I never get to see, I might add.
And for the record, my marital status is just like my facebook says....It's complicated.
That's how I feel lately, and this is a prime example, people don't really care about you or your hurt. They just want to know the juicy details and what you have done wrong.
He even went on to say, " ....You better straighten up. I can see what you do now." Umm, No you can't. It's facebook. You only see what I let you see. You may be thinking of this other thing called "real life" where you actually care about and want to spend time with your kid from a previous marriage. That way you actually know them and have a relationship with them. Therefore, in turn you know/see what they do.
Also, I was just starting to be sick on Monday with sinus mess and a sore throat.
Tuesday: I was feeling worse. I was pretty miserable all that day. Had to work as usual though. I promise I sneezed everytime the phone rang that day which was like 40 times. Gotta make that money though. You know, to support all those bad habbits that I post about on FB.
Wednesday: My off day. Yeah. I was sooo sick. The night before, the days of sinus mess had been replaced with puking my guts up. I don't think I even left the couch at all that day except to vomit. Not attractive at all....
Thursday: Had to work again. At some point Wednesday night I had pulled myself together enough to get a shower. Thank God. That made me feel human again. But then my 3 y.o. came down with the vicious vomit bug early Thursday morning. Just when I was basking in my cleanliness. That made for an interesting morning. Plus I could barely talk. I guess my sore throat from Monday had finally settled into a rasp. Anyway, by 1 pm I was feeling much better and was really excited to see the light of day. And be out of the vomit house of horrors. Even if it was to go to work. Then once I finally made it to work my new bff A from work kept me entertained pretty much all night. She is so funny. Just like me. I know we better keep it down at work though because I definitely don't want them to separate us. She keeps saying she's going to give my number out to guys at work. She is soo crazy. I told her I am on a man diet. (That's what you go on when you consistently choose the wrong man for yourself. But hey! A least I'm consistent, right?) She doesn't believe me but its true. She thinks I'm boy crazy. And maybe I am a little. Kinda always have been. I call it having an appreciation for eye candy. But I have this idea. I am going to forget about men, work on myself, and in the end make them crazy about me. Sounds like a great plan to me. Who has time to be daydreaming about men? Or wondering if they are thinking about you? Or if they will text you? Not me. I want it so that there is no question of his interest. It would be astoundingly obvious. ;)
And here it is early Friday morning. And I am off for two FaBoLoUs days in a row. I feel amazing. And I am really excited and ready to have some fun. =)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
March 13, 2010
Today was an ok day. I slept in. So much so that once I did finally get up it was just in time to get ready for work.
My dad is in town. Well the next town over anyway. He lives in Tennessee but came down to visit family. He sent me a text 2 days ago saying he was coming down. I can't take anytime off of work though. You have to request days off 30-45 days in advance. So hopefully I will get a chance to see him before he goes home.
Other than that I have been feeling a little crappy. I keep getting myself in these situations and once I'm in I don't know how to deal. It's like everytime I think this time will be different. But it never is. I'm just ready for something different. Something honest. Something real.
My dad is in town. Well the next town over anyway. He lives in Tennessee but came down to visit family. He sent me a text 2 days ago saying he was coming down. I can't take anytime off of work though. You have to request days off 30-45 days in advance. So hopefully I will get a chance to see him before he goes home.
Other than that I have been feeling a little crappy. I keep getting myself in these situations and once I'm in I don't know how to deal. It's like everytime I think this time will be different. But it never is. I'm just ready for something different. Something honest. Something real.
Friday, March 12, 2010
March Already? Dang. Where is the time going?
Well, I haven't attempted to write in awhile. Just working, working, working. It's funny. I miss writing. I just never find the time anymore. Maybe I have bloggers block. Ha.
Anywho, I think the main thing is that I was too depressed to write. That's funny as well. Back in my high school days when I was depressed was when I was my most creative. Especially when I was heartbroken. Now I just feel so blah. I need some fresh material to work with. I'm tired of all this.
And as a side note, what is it with men? Why can't they just be with you? Why do they have to try to control you? What ever happened to being partners? I mean Yes, I believe the man should be the head of the household. But a woman should be his partner. Not his stepping stone.
Unfortunately, a man trying to control me will never work. So until I can find a man who is secure enough to be a man but also allow me to be a woman, then I guess I will just stay single. Well after the ink dries on my divorce papers that is.
I think I am going to force myself to blog everyday. Even if its about something stupid. I need to feel like me again. Get back into doing the things that make me happy. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.
Anywho, I think the main thing is that I was too depressed to write. That's funny as well. Back in my high school days when I was depressed was when I was my most creative. Especially when I was heartbroken. Now I just feel so blah. I need some fresh material to work with. I'm tired of all this.
And as a side note, what is it with men? Why can't they just be with you? Why do they have to try to control you? What ever happened to being partners? I mean Yes, I believe the man should be the head of the household. But a woman should be his partner. Not his stepping stone.
Unfortunately, a man trying to control me will never work. So until I can find a man who is secure enough to be a man but also allow me to be a woman, then I guess I will just stay single. Well after the ink dries on my divorce papers that is.
I think I am going to force myself to blog everyday. Even if its about something stupid. I need to feel like me again. Get back into doing the things that make me happy. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.
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