OH Happy Day

I have been waiting for Wednesday all week. Monday was a horrible day. Isn't Monday usually though? But in this case, it was extra horrible. I went in to work as usually. Everything seemed fine. When I went to my first break though, a girl whom I had met in my training class when we first got hired asked me if I was scared. I, of course, asked why I would be scared. Then she informed me that "they" were laying off people. And that they had been letting people go all day. *shock set in* And so I let her know real quick that of course I was scared! I have worked for "them" before and I knew what happens after the holidays. Just didn't know it would happen *this* quick. I was on the edge of me seat the entire rest of the night. Even after I knew "they" had went home for the day. Think I may have even gave myself whiplash from checking over my shoulder all evening. At every break people who hadn't been "tapped" yet were discussing what they thought was happening. I don't think anyone knew anything directly. Just had overheard (mostly just gossip) things. I hate gossip. It makes it so hard to figure out the truth. I heard everything from, "They are keeping only 20-50 people" to "They let 20 people go today and will let 50 go tomorrow."

So here is what I know. The FACTS if you will. lol.

-A lady was walking around tapping people on the shoulder taking them to a room.
-After they left the room they were escorted out badgeless.
-Way more than 20 left that day.
-The next day the lady did not come back for more tapping.


I don't know if they are completely done with tapping. But I can say at least I wasn't one of the first ones to go if I do indeed end up get tapped.

And so here it is my lovely day off. The day I get to spend relaxing with no worries. With hopes of getting my nails done and eating Chinese.

And it is pouring rain.
And my 3 year old just started puking.

Yay!

Wow

So. Obviously it's been awhile. A lot has changed since the last time I posted. I have changed a lot since the last time I posted. But now, I am ready to write again. And hopefully keep this blog updated regularly. Hopefully...

Oh lately it's so quiet.

I hate the unknown.
I hate not knowing things.
I hate feeling unsettled.
I hate wondering.
I hate thinking.
I hate complication.
I hate desire.
I hate confusion.
I hate distraction.
I hate time.
I hate distance.
I hate missing.
I hate not being good enough.
I hate losing.
I hate hurting.
I hate love.
But most of all, I hate what I've become.

If I'm honest, I don't hate at all.
I just feel too much.
I feel too deeply.
Sometimes it hurts too much.
It's quiet now, though.
I have nothing to focus on but the pain.

I can't blame anyone but myself.

I've got my memories always inside of me. But I can't go back to how it was.

I was watching my girls play today. They are so sweet. They were just playing without a care in the world. It made me want to go back to when things were so much simpler. Then all of a sudden Cadee scraped her head on something. She cried for a few seconds, unlike Kali who would have screamed for about an hour. lol. So I picked her up and fixed it up with some neosporin and a bandaid. I asked her if she was OK and she said, "I hurt." I told her it was OK and she said, 'Kiss it." So I did. And then she smiled and said, "All Better!"

Sometimes I wish this worked in the real world. Wouldn't it be awesome if a kiss could make everything better? Erase all the hurt and pain? It's sad to think that when she's older I won't be able to kiss away all the pain when she gets her heart broken over a silly boy. Or when she is sad about losing a friend.

Now when I think back over my life and all the things I have experienced, I feel helpless. I know I can't shelter them from everything. But as a mother I have to somehow figure out how to guide them to make the right decisions. So that maybe... just maybe, when situations come along they will be strong enough to make it through unscathed. Unlike me, who pretty much was a mess my whole life.

I think my problem has always been that I don't trust my feelings. Like... I'll know something doesn't seem right but still I will pursuit it or let it pursuit me. So it's not really about knowledge of the situation, it's the confidence to trust yourself when the situation arises. The strength to not be swayed by others. To stay firm in your convictions. How to not compromise yourself or your standards. Great. DO they have a book on how to teach those things?

Oh wait...they do. It's called the Bible.

The weekend.

I was so ready for this past weekend. Getting up early everyday was really taking a toll on me. Now, I know I was a little whiny about it but what you have to understand is that my morning starts out as Rush Rush Rush from 6 am til 7:45 am and then...nothing. Then at 2:30 pm it's Rush Rush Rush and then...nothing again until time to make dinner. So it's a series of ups and downs all day long. So anyway, I could not wait til Friday.

Friday night.
I got to sing at this youth conference that my church was having. It was really great. I haven't sang on stage like that in several years. I usually get all nervous and pitchy but I did great this time and I was really proud of myself. And then the guy teaching, Joey Smith, was...Amazing.

Saturday.
I got to sleep in! I was so happy about that. It's not that I've never gotten up early before because I have. It's just that now I have to get up and then actually leave the house early which makes a difference. But anyway, I got to sleep in. Then we all got ready and went to eat at Red Lobster. At Red Lobster, we had the best server I have ever had in a restaurant. Seriously, this guy was amazing. I asked him one time jokingly if he would crack all my snow crab legs and he said he really would. I told him no that I had been kidding but a few minutes later he came back with gloves on ready to crack. Dustin says they are required to do it but I don't care. It was great. For some reason it seems like the crab legs taste better when someone else cracks them. :) Tyler decided he wanted to try the crab and he said it was "gooder" than anything he had ever eaten before. lol. Also about the waiter, I never once had to ask him to refill the kids drinks. Normally, I have to literally beg the server to bring the kids a refill. And then they will still forget to do it. Anything we needed he had to the table in a reasonable amount of time. And he was really friendly and had a southern accent which made him even more likable..lol. Then right before we were leaving he came up to me and said, "Ma'am, I just have to say you have the most well behaved kids I have seen in here. And they are so smart, too." Yeah...this one got a huge tip. :)

After that I decided to take the kids to Toys-R-Us and let them pick out a toy since they are doing so well since the move. So Cadee picked out a huge stuffed my little pony toy. Kali picked out a princess dress up set. And Tyler picked out a pack of four action figures. That pretty much made their day. Oh...and as we were leaving something really stupid happened. So I guess I will share it as well. You know those "green bags" that all the stores are carrying now so that you don't have to use plastic? Well, Toys-r-us has the cutest bags with like panda's and polar bears on them. So...I picked out three so the kids could put their toys in them. So the check out lady rings up the bags and puts them in a plastic bag. Duh. I wasn't really mad or anything. I just thought it was funny. I didn't make a big deal about it (since I was still enamored by Matthew S. from Red lobster) . I just asked her to put the stuff in the bags I was purchasing. She kinda looked at us funny. Maybe she didn't know what "going green" is all about. But I'm not really one to judge. I was buying the bags more for their cuteness than the green factor, anyway.

So then we headed to the shoe store. I don't really like going shopping too often because I tend to want to buy...everything. But on this day it was necessary because Tyler needed new shoes for school. We ended up buying everyone a pair of shoes. And I, of course, got two pair. The lady even ended up talking me into buying these super cute, super low cut socks. I have never seen anything like them before. I probably would have never bought them but I was still thinking about Red Lobster. :) Ha...If you haven't noticed a little goes a long way with me. And if you think about it, that's usually how it goes. If he would have been a really crappy waiter then I probably would have been in a bad mood the rest of the day. Therefore not buying anything extra. So here's my theory. Be nice. It boosts the economy. :)

After we left the shoe store I was ready to go home but we still needed to buy Cadee some pants. So we headed over to Target. They have some of the cutest clothes for kids. I absolutely love Target but I hardly ever go in there. It seems like if I accidentally spend $100 in Walmart, if I had gone to Target it would have been $200. lol. Anyway, I did good and only bought her 2 pairs of pants and 1 pair of shorts. But as I was picking those out, Dustin was in the back buying a Wii fit. So it seems maybe he was enamored by Red Lobster guy, too? I don't know. Probably not.

Finally we went home. I was super exhausted. Even though I had slept in, it had been a really long day. Once we got home and got the kids settled down and ready for bed, Dustin and I decided to watch the movie the Changeling. Now anyone who knows me should have known better than to let me watch this movie if they have seen it. Ahem...Savanna! But, I was not warned.

**Spoiler Alert**
Now, I love movies. I like all kinds. But this is not something that I should have watched. It literally made me sick to my stomach. Usually I'm fine watching movies that have some bad things that happen. Usually I just chalk stuff up to being from someone's imagination and it's easier for me to deal with. But if you notice, at the beginning of the movie it says...A True Story. Not "Based on a True story". Just...A True Story. The story is about a woman in the 1920 something's who's son goes missing. Then the police department gives her a child claiming it is her missing son when it isn't. When she tries to tell them it has been a mistake they have her thrown into an asylum. Now I got all that part and yeah it was bad but I was still fine. Until they showed what really happened to the kids. I know there are some jacked up people in the world. But this guy was...UGH. I seriously wanted to throw up. I guess because it had said true story and I knew that this had really happened. I don't think I will ever be able to hear Silent night again with out getting a little nauseous. And I really wanted to punch that one guy from the police department who kept trying to force the kid on her and make her doubt herself saying she was emotional. That is just like a man! lol.

Sunday.
SO...today was the big day. Nana and Bill got married. I tried to video tape some of it but I messed up when she was walking down the isle. I had the camera pointed to the back where she was coming in but I tried to take a picture with my camera when they started walking. So the video camera was just still pointed at the empty area where they had been. lol. After that the rest was pretty easy video.

Then last night we had a going away party for my friend April. She is leaving for Iraq within the next few months. She actually leaves sometime in March but she has to go to a few places to train before she actually goes to Iraq. She's been in the Army for awhile now but this is the first time her unit has been deployed in quite sometime. I'm going to miss her. :(



SO that was my weekend. I had a lot of fun. Oh and Wii fit is so much fun! I recommend that everyone get one.

It's getting easier.

Today was my third day of getting up early and I have to say, it was not as bad as the other days. I guess it also helped that I had a good night's sleep. I actually woke up before my alarm went off.

It was good for me that today of all days that I actually could think straight because Tyler had a meltdown. Kids are so funny. Well, not really funny as in haha. What I mean is they are these small people who have emotions just like adults but they don't know how to express them. So he started out saying something about his birthday party which was news to me because his bday is in September. So I just listened. Then he said, "When I have my birthday party I wanted to invite the kids from my other class." Then he just burst into tears. I told him that it was ok and that by the time he has his birthday he will be in first grade so he would have been in a different class anyway. We kept talking about it for a few minutes. And then he said, " I don't like it when people miss me." I was like, what? So I asked him what he meant. He said that his old teacher, you know the one I hated, told him she would miss him and he doesn't like her missing him. He wants to go back to her class. I explained that I was sorry that we had to move and that he had two teachers now and everything was going to be great. That really didn't help. lol. So I asked him if he liked his new class and he said no. I asked him why and he said there was too much yelling. I assumed he meant from the other kids. But when I asked him what he meant he said the teacher yells at the other kids and he's afraid she going to yell at him. We talked about it some more and I told him I packed him his lunch and then a special snack for snack time (because I am an awesome mom!) and I showed it to him. I thought it would make him happy but he just burst into tears again. So I asked him what was wrong now. He said he wanted to go back to his old class because they had snack before lunch time and his new class has snack before carline. AHHHH...finally. So let me get this straight. He is upset because he misses his old friends and now doesn't like the new class because his routine is totally out of whack and is afraid the teacher is going to yell at him? I totally get it. The birthday thing was what was throwing me off. Also he is probably nervous about starting a new school and moving and all but he didn't know how to deal with. Which then caused the meltdown. I just let him cry for a few minutes because face it, sometimes you just need to get it out. Then I told him he could have some yogurt when he got home from school. Apparently that did the trick and he was fine. And then on the way to school he started telling me some good things that he liked about his new school. So I guess he doesn't totally hate it. It will just take some getting used to.

I'm gonna be whiny for a minute.

So since we moved my life has been kind of...jump started. I say it that way because that is what it feels like. Before, Dustin got Tyler off to school in the mornings and I just slept in with the girls. Then we just sort of had a lazy day where things got done but we didn't have to have a set routine. Now, We ALL have to get up and get ready to go so I can take Tyler and my sister to school. This makes the girls cranky because they are used to sleeping in, too. Then we have to pick them up in the afternoons. And then yesterday, my sister forgot her lunch so I had to take it to her. By the end of the day Kali was like, "Ugh, we are going again?" I feel you, honey.

I think the main thing for me is getting up early. Getting up at 6am really...sucks. I pretty much have no motivation in the morning. Unless, it's for a particularly special reason. Anyway, I can barely drag myself out of bed (especially if it is cold) let alone dress 3 others. At least I have good kids though. I can barely think straight and the kids are so funny. This morning for instance, Cadee was following me around the house while I was aimlessly searching for who knows what, and she started saying "I wanna brush teeth, Mommy". Yes! That was the next thing I couldn't remember that I had to do. Brush the kids teeth. Thanks Cay. Then as we were leaving, the alarm in my car went off saying low gas. So I said, "Great! I need to get gas" out loud. Then I got side tracked taking everyone to school and all. But on the way home, right before I drove 10 miles into the boonies where there isn't any gas stations Kali speaks up and says, "You can get gas right here, Mommy." Wow. How can a 4 year old and 2 year old be alert and know whats going on and I can barely function? I don't drink coffee or anything so that wouldn't be of any use to me. I think I need some vitamins or something.

You know, the real reason for all this is Dustin. It's all his fault for spoiling me. Now I have to be a grown up. Boo!

Something I wrote.

I was watching this movie the other day and it reminded me of a few things and then I felt inspired. So I wrote this.


I wonder if you ever think of me
If you ever think about how it felt
When our lips first touched
I wonder if the fire still burns your lips
I see you talking
but I can't hear a word
I can only see your mouth
Wishing it was on mine
Your tongue caressing mine
Just like the first time
Telling me that you want me
Without ever saying a word
Do you wish your lips could still touch mine?
Do you ever think of me?


It's really funny how this came about because I just so happened to be looking at Scarlett Johansen's lips when I felt inspired to write this. But just so you know this was NOT inspired by a real life girl. Haha...I just have a really odd thought process, OK?

It's too early.

I am not a morning person. I would rather stay up all night, go to bed around 7am, and sleep til about 1pm or 2pm. As a mom though, that is totally unreasonable. So I have to get up when everyone else does. Which with the girls I have been totally lucky because they like to sleep in as well. But since we've moved, I have had to become the responsible adult that I should already have been. Boo.

So this morning I had to get up at about 6:30 am and start trying to get all three kids ready to go so I could get Tyler and Savanna to school on time. What I discovered is that I was totally unprepared to take on this early morning task. It worked out though and everyone made it to school on time. I just know exactly what to do for tomorrow to make it go a little bit smoother. I wish I could find a babysitter that would take Kali and Cadee for a couple hours after I dropped Tyler and Savanna at school. That way I could just go straight to the gym while I was out. That would make *my* day a little smoother. :)

Oh and Tyler started his first day at his new school today. It's a brand new school so everything is really nice. And the staff was nice. His old school just really irritated me. Especially his teacher. But at this school he has two teachers. What was so funny was that I actually knew one of them. She looked a little familiar when I first saw her. I remember her with really blonde hair and now she is a dark brunette. Then she was like, "I know you, we used to ride the bus together!" I want to say I knew her from Petal but I'm not sure. I have been to a lot of schools and rode many buses so, who knows? He seemed pretty comfortable going into a new class. if he is anything like me he will be fine. I can make friends with anyone. And I'm not really shy in a new setting. Ha...I don't think I could be concidered shy in any type of setting.

Anyway, I read a friends blog last night. He had posted random pics and stuff that he had seen just as he was going about his day. It was really great. So today, while I was out...Early...I looked around and actually took note of what I was seeing. I didn't take pictures or anything. Although, I thought about it. But it was great to just be able to see the world and not be so caught up in the rush of things. Ha...I'm all about really "living in the moment" these days. And not being such a muli-tasker that I miss everything.

Then as I was "discovering" the world, I noticed Bill in my Nana's driveway as I was pulling into my drive way. I thought to myself that it was kinda weird that he would be over there so early. I mean it was almost 8:30 am. And I know she likes to sleep late. So I went ahead and got the girls out of the car and then I saw him walking around outside. Then he just got in his SUV and started to leave. That's when I noticed he had my Nana's trash on the hood of his car. He pulled over, got out, put the trash by the road, said hello to me and the girls, got back in, and then drove away. So apparently....Bill got up early, drove all the way over here, we live out in the country, and took her garbage out for her. Who does that? It sounds like something Dustin would do for me. SO now since I'm thinking of it like that, I guess this whole Bill and Nana getting married thing isn't so bad. Now I'm wishing I would have gotten a pic of Bill taking the trash out. lol.

It's been a minute.

When I created this blog, I had hoped that I would be able to update it pretty regularly. What I didn't realize was that right about the same time I would go through some sort of melt down. But...I am happy to announce that said melt down has run it's course and I'm back to just being the regular crazy me as opposed to the overly crazy me.

So let's see. A few things have happened since I last posted. We finally moved back to Ellisville. The move wasn't all that bad. And it didn't cost a fortune. Which is great. We basically had a van donated to us with gas included for a whole week. Isn't that something? Now I'm trying to unpack and I'm finding myself very unmotivated. Not for the reasons you would think though. I love where we are living now. I love the country. It's so peaceful here. I just want to sit back and relax and do nothing. It almost feels like time has stopped just for me and let me finally breathe for a minute. Haha...I know I'm not that special though.

Oh and my Nana set a wedding date. March 22. Oh, wait. They changed it. It's March 7th now. The day after my Papa's birthday. No. That's not right either. Oh yeah, It's this Sunday!! What the crap? Oh well. And then of all things my brother had no clue she had even decided to get married. I sent him a message on facebook to let him know about the newest date change and he totally freaked out. I can't believe he didn't know. We've been talking about it for weeks now. Anyway, Like I said before I'm really happy for her. It's hard for me but I'm dealing with it. But what makes me Furious is when someone who is not from my family freaks out about her getting married . Most of the time it's people from our church. I know they looked up to him (my Papa) as a pastor and all but what the freak people? If I, a member of his family who loved him dearly, can grin and bare it then you should be able to get over yourself for five freaking minutes and let a lady be happy. It makes me livid when they get visibly upset with crying and all. I really could just slap someone. But Thank GOD, I have self-control.

So now that my self professed melt down is over, I have been able to think clearly. Which has been amazing. And I'm writing again. I have all these ideas of things I want to write as well. So many actually that I can't even get them down on paper before a new idea starts. It's been crazy. I have had a spiritual awakening of some sort and I can see the world differently. I feel creative again. Not like some idiot who popped out a couple of kids and is struggling to keep her mind straight. I don't feel fragmented anymore. Maybe I had a quarter life (+ a year) crisis or something. But whatever it was is gone. And also I feel things now. That has been the worst part. Not being able to feel anything. But now I feel everything. I feel whole again. I feel full of life. I feel loved. I feel like I matter. I feel wise. I feel confident. I feel needed. I feel motherly. I feel important. I actually feel beautiful for the first time in a really long time. I don't have to have someone tell me it. I just feel it. It's amazing. Although, I still like to hear it occasionally. :)


Since we finally got moved, I was finally able to start going to the gym again. I have been so ready to go. Today was my first day and I totally loved it. I want to go back again already. It's so weird to me how much I have actually missed going to the gym since I have never really been athletic or anything. It's like I have been craving it. Just like I have been craving pineapple. I never really liked pineapple before but now it's like I can't get enough of it. Weird.

Tyler is starting his new school tomorrow. Well, now it's actually today since it's after midnight but whatever. I'm kind of nervous about it. I always hated switching schools so I hope everything goes smoothly.

So that about sums it up. Maybe now since the move is over I can post things more regularly and they won't be all jumbled into one post.

I'm not ready for this.

So it's official. My Nana is dating Bill. He's a nice enough guy. But not only are they dating they are talking about marriage. WTFreak? Since when does dating lead to marriage? OK, so I know I'm being a tad bit irrational...but dang! I'm just getting used to seeing him in my Papa's house without cringing. And I'm still trying to deal with seeing them holding hands and giggling like a bunch of teenagers. I told her she better slow down and she said, "We won't do anything you wouldn't do." WELL, that's just freaking Great, NANA! And with that I told her, " Well, if you can't be good then you might as well be good at what you do." She giggled and I'm hoping it's because what I said was funny and not because she was agreeing with me.

I really am happy for her. It wouldn't be SO bad if she wouldn't have said the words "marry" and "February" in the same sentence. That just makes me feel sick. I really don't care what she does or who with as long as she doesn't do it in that house. I mean, if she wants to get married that's fine. I just hope she moves to a different house.

American Idiot?

I watched American Idol tonight. I like the first few shows especially because all the crazys come out and audition. I have to say that they have had a few really crazy ones this year. But my favorite so far has to be the girl that came with the stuff she printed off line about singing. Like she was trying to make herself knowledgeable about vocal coaching overnight or something. And Ryan asked her if she got it straight out of Health class and she said no the internet. That was pretty funny. And she kept making up words and pronouncing words incorrectly. Like trachea. She kept saying tra-she-a. And then Ryan corrected her. Hahaha. But the two funniest parts was when she said she messed up singing because she used the wrong rectum? OMG! Me and mom almost died laughing. Dustin said maybe she was looking at the diagram upside down. LOL! And then after it was over she said something like, " If they could have ear-rack-a-tate me." WHAT the HECK does that even mean? I know it's not a word. Or two words blended even. I couldn't even spell it so I just spelled it like she pronounced it. Too Funny!

Underlying Issues

I am a smart girl. No, I didn't go to college. And Yes, my Grammar and punctuation suck. But I'm still pretty smart. I am constantly thinking which gets annoying but I can usually figure things out. Well, People things that is. I'm usually pretty good at helping others out and I have a tendency to try to be helpful. And I know it probably gets annoying for others. But that's just how I am. I guess if I am helping other then I don't have to try to fix my own stuff. It takes me a little longer to get a grasp on what is going on with me. But it's a process. There are signs and you just have to read them. I just don't usually analyze myself very much because it makes my head hurt. Most of the time when little things start to bother you there is an underlying bigger issue that really is the problem. I can start to tell when this happens to me. I get all nit picky and everything gets on my nerves. I'm usually pretty patient. So then I start trying to figure out what the "real" issue is. And that can be sort of hard to figure out about yourself. If I know other peoples situations I can usually pick out the problem pretty easily. But I have learned that you can not point out the obvious because people tend to freak out. You just have to let them realize it on their own. And also I usually know how to fix the problem. But like I said, it's hard to do that stuff on yourself.

I have been messed up for quite sometime. I wasn't really sure what the problem was but the main thing is I didn't even want to deal with it anyway. I just got to the point where it was like everything was just shut down. I couldn't feel anything. I was just sort of numb. I could cry about things that were not really important. Like for instance if something happened on a television show or the news. Or if I heard about something really bad happening to someone else. I could cry for all those things. But not about something happening to me. Nothing was getting to me. Like I said, it was like I was shut down. Like I had an off switch. I didn't really care about the things that were happening to me. I mean, I cared about some things but nothing was really able to effect me. So I started acting out I guess. Trying to feel something. Anything.

And that was probably the worst thing that I could have ever done. It started to make me question who I really was. For a long time, I have known who I am and what I stand for. I'm not one of those people who just go through life with out any purpose. I believe everyone has a purpose whether they know it or not. But like I said, I started to question. And as soon as that started happening then other things started to come back up. Issues that I had already dealt with and overcame started to become issues again. I started to feel like I was starting over.

But then I realized, I'm not. I have come to a place in my life where those things should not matter. And now they only matter again because I opened myself back up to those things.

So how do I fix it? I have no idea. But I have been thinking a lot about that underlying issue. And I think I may have found the source. So maybe if I can fix it then everything else will fall back into place. Maybe. :)

What is it with men?

Dustin has been complaining that I spent too much time online. Well, that may be true but still. It kinda makes me frustrated. I mean, I don't say... well, you work too much. I know it's totally different but whatever. I am ranting here. :) And then he let me get unlimited text messaging but gets mad when I get texted. Men are so confusing sometimes! I mean it would be different if I were constantly texting which I am not doing. Or if I was texting at really inappropriate times or something. Or even if we were doing something and I started texting. But the main thing is that we are not. If he wants to spend time with me then great. Maybe he should say that. But don't get mad when ever i'm bored to death and decide to talk to someone else.

Friday, JANUARY 16, 2009

My dad came down from Tennessee. It was supposed to be my Dad, my brother Adam, and my sister Mikala but Adam had some school activities he had to attend so he couldn't come down. I thought they would get here at 12pm but I should have known with my Dad. lol. They ended up getting to Hattiesburg at 9:30 am. They waited for a while to come to my house because Tyler was still in school. I think they came over a little after 12pm. Anyway, My dad ended up telling me that he had invited a bunch of people to my house to stay the night. Naturally, I was a little freaked out because we don't have that much room here and I was a little worried with just my dad's three. Plus our heat is screwed up so we are using portable heaters and I was afraid that any extra company might freeze to death. It ended up not being too bad though. It was just 3 of my cousins from his side of the family. Mariah (13 yo), Lexi (12 yo), and Riley(9 yo). Around 1:30pm My dad sent me to pick up some groceries for dinner. He ended up making chicken and dumplings, macaroni and cheese, English pea salad, and deviled eggs. While I was out I decided to pick up Tyler from school. He was excited to see Mikala since I had forgot to mention to him that they would be coming down. When we got home my dad showed me how to make chicken and dumplings which was a lot easier than I had thought it would be. Dustin usually gets home from work early on Fridays but there was this huge thing that happened that day so he didn't get home until after 5pm. After dinner, Dad left to go get the kids. They were all going to see Twilight that night. I just figured that I would be able to get in bed early since I had been up since 5 am and they were going to the 9pm movie. Haha...no. Somewhere between my dad offering to pay for mine and Dustin's tickets and offering to keep my 3 kiddos, I got talked into taking them. I had been wanting to see Twilight again anyway. It turned out to be a lot of fun. The kids were really funny. And they were very respectful. I usually don't like other peoples kids because they sometimes can be brats. What? Well...I'm just saying! Anyway, After the movie I was a little wired. I had eaten a few pieces of reece's pieces and drank a Dr Pepper. I usually don't eat a lot of chocolate or drink a lot of coke. So add in the not much sleep and I was pretty much your average drunk person. Well, a loud and obnoxious one anyway. When we were leaving the theater someone honked at us and when I got a better look I saw that it was my mom. My mom, Aunt Marcia, and Loriee had went to the movies that night as well. We went over and talked for a minute but it was freezing cold out. As we were leaving the parking lot my mom ended up getting behind us and honking really loudly. It scared the kids in the car and I realized they didn't know it was my mom. SO I rolled down the window and started screamin' stuff like "What's your problem, Lady?" and "Don't make me get out of this car cuz I will!" She started yelling back. It was pretty funny. And the kids were freaking out. Anyway, we got this random idea to go to walmart and buy another heater. I was afraid that the kids would be cold. Haha...I'm so motherly. :) Walmart was hilarious. And that's pretty much all I can say about it. I pretty much do not need to go out in public after 11pm. Especially when I am that hyper. We made it home all in one piece thank God. So I got the kids settled in and Dustin set up their heater. After all that, I could not go to sleep. I ended up staying up the rest of the night watching a movie. Needless to say I had a huge headache the next day and did not want to get up at all.

What the flip?

I got a flip. I love it. It's really easy to use. If you are not sure what is it just check out whattheflip.com. I have gotten some really cute videos. Usually though, I will get the cutest video and then some one will do something really perverted and then I can't show it. *Ahem...Dustin* And then I got a few more that were funny but...No one wants me to show them to anyone.

It's so not fair. I think that if you guys don't want me to show them then you should stop being so funny.

And the funniest part is that I can't video anything without laughing. So the entire time you can hear obnoxious laughter in the back ground.

Hopefully, I will get better and stop laughing so much. Or at least maybe I will learn how to do it quietly.

And something else...

I love XM radio. I have found that now I don't really want to leave my car. And I have been writing more. Mostly in the car. Not while driving though. That's bad. It only took me once to almost wreck to decide that it's probably not a good idea. But I have been inspired. Maybe not just by the XM radio but other stuff.

Everything has been sort of cloudy lately. But now it's starting to clear up. It's not completely clear but I can see the rays of sun shining through and that makes me hopeful. And really that's what you need to get better.

I'm getting better. So don't be so worried. (Mom!)

A few things.

1. I am really excited about my Dad, Adam, and Mikala coming down tomorrow.

2. I have been craving pineapple all week. Pineapple dip, Pineapple pizza, Pineapple smoothie that had a horrible taste after I paid $3 for it. What's that about?

3. I am super excited that my favorite tight jeans are not fitting anymore because they are too big and are falling off!

4. I have had 10 people compliment me in person this week about my weight loss. Freakin Sweet!

5. I am so looking forward to summer. It just hit me all of a sudden. I want to be outside and not freezing. At least living here I don't have to wait that long because spring is pretty much like summer. Just not as hot.

6. I love all of my children but I would like to brag on just one of them for a minute. Maybe it's because she is the baby but she is totally adorable. She has the cutest personality. She is so funny and smart. She's only 2 but she acts like she knows everything. Usually, when babies are trying to tell you something and you can't understand them then they have a melt down and cry. Not my Cadee. She will repeat it over and over until "you" understand what she is saying. She will say yes or no until you get it. Looking at you like you are an idiot. And her laugh. She has the cutest laugh I have ever heard. It is so deep. Almost like how Santa Clause would say HoHoHo. Except she says HaHaha. And she does this fake cry when she doesn't get her way. It is so funny because you know it's fake. I can't help but to laugh. And she talks so good for her age. She knows everything. I just can't understand what she is saying part of the time. Mostly because she is trying to talk in a full sentence using big words for a 2 year old. And she gets so tickled about the funniest things. And usually it will be very random. One night she was playing on the floor and I snorted my nose at her and she died laughing for like 10 minutes. Saying "eww gross! Mommy's a pig." I love being a mommy. And all these things are exactly the reason why.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately.

I'm going to go ahead and warn you. This blog is a little all over the place. But it wouldn't be mine if it wasn't. :)

Love. It's a great thing. It can inspire us. It can change us. It can change our motivation for living. Love is about putting another person before yourself. Caring about another person regardless of how it affects you.

I know you all have probably heard this before regardless of if you read the bible or not.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Reading back over that scripture it really makes me think. How has my love been lately? Has it been patient with my children? Has it been kind to my husband? Has it chosen to not be envious, boastful, and rude to my friends? What about self seeking and easily angered? I think these two go hand in hand because if we don't get what we want sometimes we are quick to get angry about it. It keeps no records of wrongs. Now how exactly does that work? Because if someone does something bad to me, I may forgive them but it will still be in there somewhere in the back of my mind. Love does not encourage bad things, its motivation is in the truth. So this is probably where I have had the most trouble with love during my lifetime. If it doesn't seem or feel right then it probably isn't. And if you have to justify it then that just proves my point. Have I been a good protector? Do I trust, hope, and try to preserve? Yeah, I think my love needs a little work.

I'm reading a new book. It's about love. One of the things that caught my attention was when it said that we need to choose to lead our heart instead of follow it. All of my life I have heard "just follow your heart." So this was a very different perspective that made total sense. If you are not leading your heart then something or someone else is. It's that simple. And usually that something or someone doesn't have your best interest at heart. In some cases it may but a lot of times it does not. Another thing that it said is that love is a decision and not just a feeling. If you really think about it then you know it is true. Obviously, it starts out as a feeling but at some point you chose to stick with it. That in turn making it a decision.

I'm also reading another book. In this book, it talks about how women are better at expressing their thoughts or feelings than men are. It says that the most common complaint in relationships from women is the inability or unwillingness of men to reveal their feelings. Some call this emotionally unavailable. I had to laugh at this a little because when I look at this applied to myself I am the total opposite of emotionally unavailable. I mean, women tend to be more open but I am even more so than the average. I am very open about my thoughts and feelings. I like to call it passionate. ;) And when I say open I mean honest. If you want to know how I feel about something all you have to do is ask and I will give you the total honest truth. I don't try to hide my feelings about things at all. But at any rate, being this way tends to cause a problem in the relationship department. And I'm not just talking about marriage. I tend to be open with other people as well. The book says in the marriage aspect to compromise. Well, duh. I hate it when I read stuff thinking it's going to be a great eye opener and then at the end I already know the answer. Maybe I'm too smart for knowledge. Yeah, we'll go with that. :)

So back to love. So what happens when you find that someone and the feelings are there you are willing to compromise and you make the decision to stay with them forever and then tragedy strikes and that person is taken away from you. And I mean by death not by the hooker down the street. Can you ever truly love again? Or will the next venture be tainted by what used to be? I'm guessing it just really depends on the people in the situation. I have a tendency to shut down when extremely bad things happen. It's like all that openness goes away for a time. And I can't feel anything. Eventually I will get better and things are great. I can be the weird crazy random me again. I sometimes worry though that what if one of those times I just get pushed over the edge and I don't recover? Hopefully I am a lot stronger than what I think I am and there is no need to worry about that.

SO since you are so enamored by me that you must read all my blogs religiously you are probably wondering what brought all this about. :)

Well, One...I think about love a lot anyway. :) Two, I am always thinking of ways to improve myself. And Three, as you know my Papa passed away a year ago in October. I'm still kind of dealing with that in my own way. And I'm sure my Nana is as well. There is an old family friend of hers that has been coming around a lot lately. He lost his wife about two years ago. He is really nice and they grew up together. They have known each other their whole lives and at one point their families lived in a duplex together. But not only is he coming around he is wanting to date her. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. Well, I probably can but who knows if I would be right. I think he is pretty serious about dating her because he is going to get dentures next week. :) It kinda sounds gross but I think it is so romantic. It's a little odd seeing him in her house but it's not awkward. He kind of fits in. Just so you know, that's not an easy task. My family is really crazy, loud, and absolutely funny but usually scares people off. Especially potential dates. But I think that the rule of thumb is that if he can keep up then he's a keeper. :) It's a little weird for me but I am so happy for her. She has been kind of feeling isolated lately and I think this is just what she needs to help her get back into alignment.

I love people. I love their stories. I wish I could just sit around all day listening to people tell me about their lives and the things they have experienced. The places they have seen. The things they have done. The good times and the bad times. Everything. Why, you ask? Well, because it matters. People matter.

You can have everything you could possibly want in the world but if you don't have love then nothing else matters. So go love somebody. :)

25 Things

This was originally something I posted on myspace but I decided to put it here as well.

1. I have a really weird obsession with smelling things. For instance,
if I get a glass out of the cabinet, I will smell it. Yeah. It's Weird.
lol.

2. I am addicted to myspace.

3. I can not sing in public. Unless, I am in a group. But I can sing great in the car or house. But mostly in the car. I think I have stage fright. lol :)

4. I love Taylor Swift. I think she is a great song writer and I don't care what my friends think about me. lol

5. I love books. I have a huge collection that I will probably never be able to read. But I continually buy more.

6.I am a very diverse person. I like a lot of things. Some things that contradict with each other as well..

7. I love pocket knives. Or any kind of knives or swords if they look cool. I guess I got this from my Dad. lol

8. I am in love with my new car. I know that sounds bad but I'm just being honest.

9. I hate my naturally curl hair. Probably because I have never learned how to fix it curly.

10. I love the smell of coffee but I hate to drink it. I like frozen coffee drinks, though.

11. I have to drink my tea with ice. Always. I hate hot tea.

12. I am a huge Twilight fan. But not so much that I would wear glitter to the premiere. :D

13. I'm sad that all my babies are growing up and can't really be classified as babies anymore. :(

14. I miss a lot of my old friends that I have lost touch with over the years.

15. I prefer honesty always. I hate when people try to say what they
think I want to hear. Mostly because I'm weird and you can never really
assume what I want to hear. It's just best to be honest.

16. I have recently had a change of some sort to where I want to do
more outdoorsy things. Like going muddin, four wheeler riding, riding
horses, playing soccer and kick ball with the kids. And I want a gun.
I'm not really sure where that fits in. lol.

17. I absolutely HATE it when people don't use blinkers.

18.I don't watch the news. It makes me really sad when I hear about
people hurting other people. Especially Babies. And by babies I mean,
18 and younger.

19. I feel really old for only 26. Maybe I just feel drained. lol

20.I love musicals.

21.I love people. I love hearing their life stories. I think everyone should feel important and like they matter.

22. I love how different all three of my kids are. Tyler is very artsy.
Kali is a drama queen. Cadee is so polite, thoughtful, and just has a
really sweet nature. I'm still figuring her out, though.

23. I love figuring things out.

24.I love music. I could talk about music all day long.

25. I have a lot of weird qualities but overall I like who I am. And
the things I don't like...well, I just take it one day at a time and
try to work to fix it.