Underlying Issues

I am a smart girl. No, I didn't go to college. And Yes, my Grammar and punctuation suck. But I'm still pretty smart. I am constantly thinking which gets annoying but I can usually figure things out. Well, People things that is. I'm usually pretty good at helping others out and I have a tendency to try to be helpful. And I know it probably gets annoying for others. But that's just how I am. I guess if I am helping other then I don't have to try to fix my own stuff. It takes me a little longer to get a grasp on what is going on with me. But it's a process. There are signs and you just have to read them. I just don't usually analyze myself very much because it makes my head hurt. Most of the time when little things start to bother you there is an underlying bigger issue that really is the problem. I can start to tell when this happens to me. I get all nit picky and everything gets on my nerves. I'm usually pretty patient. So then I start trying to figure out what the "real" issue is. And that can be sort of hard to figure out about yourself. If I know other peoples situations I can usually pick out the problem pretty easily. But I have learned that you can not point out the obvious because people tend to freak out. You just have to let them realize it on their own. And also I usually know how to fix the problem. But like I said, it's hard to do that stuff on yourself.

I have been messed up for quite sometime. I wasn't really sure what the problem was but the main thing is I didn't even want to deal with it anyway. I just got to the point where it was like everything was just shut down. I couldn't feel anything. I was just sort of numb. I could cry about things that were not really important. Like for instance if something happened on a television show or the news. Or if I heard about something really bad happening to someone else. I could cry for all those things. But not about something happening to me. Nothing was getting to me. Like I said, it was like I was shut down. Like I had an off switch. I didn't really care about the things that were happening to me. I mean, I cared about some things but nothing was really able to effect me. So I started acting out I guess. Trying to feel something. Anything.

And that was probably the worst thing that I could have ever done. It started to make me question who I really was. For a long time, I have known who I am and what I stand for. I'm not one of those people who just go through life with out any purpose. I believe everyone has a purpose whether they know it or not. But like I said, I started to question. And as soon as that started happening then other things started to come back up. Issues that I had already dealt with and overcame started to become issues again. I started to feel like I was starting over.

But then I realized, I'm not. I have come to a place in my life where those things should not matter. And now they only matter again because I opened myself back up to those things.

So how do I fix it? I have no idea. But I have been thinking a lot about that underlying issue. And I think I may have found the source. So maybe if I can fix it then everything else will fall back into place. Maybe. :)