I've got my memories always inside of me. But I can't go back to how it was.

I was watching my girls play today. They are so sweet. They were just playing without a care in the world. It made me want to go back to when things were so much simpler. Then all of a sudden Cadee scraped her head on something. She cried for a few seconds, unlike Kali who would have screamed for about an hour. lol. So I picked her up and fixed it up with some neosporin and a bandaid. I asked her if she was OK and she said, "I hurt." I told her it was OK and she said, 'Kiss it." So I did. And then she smiled and said, "All Better!"

Sometimes I wish this worked in the real world. Wouldn't it be awesome if a kiss could make everything better? Erase all the hurt and pain? It's sad to think that when she's older I won't be able to kiss away all the pain when she gets her heart broken over a silly boy. Or when she is sad about losing a friend.

Now when I think back over my life and all the things I have experienced, I feel helpless. I know I can't shelter them from everything. But as a mother I have to somehow figure out how to guide them to make the right decisions. So that maybe... just maybe, when situations come along they will be strong enough to make it through unscathed. Unlike me, who pretty much was a mess my whole life.

I think my problem has always been that I don't trust my feelings. Like... I'll know something doesn't seem right but still I will pursuit it or let it pursuit me. So it's not really about knowledge of the situation, it's the confidence to trust yourself when the situation arises. The strength to not be swayed by others. To stay firm in your convictions. How to not compromise yourself or your standards. Great. DO they have a book on how to teach those things?

Oh wait...they do. It's called the Bible.

The weekend.

I was so ready for this past weekend. Getting up early everyday was really taking a toll on me. Now, I know I was a little whiny about it but what you have to understand is that my morning starts out as Rush Rush Rush from 6 am til 7:45 am and then...nothing. Then at 2:30 pm it's Rush Rush Rush and then...nothing again until time to make dinner. So it's a series of ups and downs all day long. So anyway, I could not wait til Friday.

Friday night.
I got to sing at this youth conference that my church was having. It was really great. I haven't sang on stage like that in several years. I usually get all nervous and pitchy but I did great this time and I was really proud of myself. And then the guy teaching, Joey Smith, was...Amazing.

Saturday.
I got to sleep in! I was so happy about that. It's not that I've never gotten up early before because I have. It's just that now I have to get up and then actually leave the house early which makes a difference. But anyway, I got to sleep in. Then we all got ready and went to eat at Red Lobster. At Red Lobster, we had the best server I have ever had in a restaurant. Seriously, this guy was amazing. I asked him one time jokingly if he would crack all my snow crab legs and he said he really would. I told him no that I had been kidding but a few minutes later he came back with gloves on ready to crack. Dustin says they are required to do it but I don't care. It was great. For some reason it seems like the crab legs taste better when someone else cracks them. :) Tyler decided he wanted to try the crab and he said it was "gooder" than anything he had ever eaten before. lol. Also about the waiter, I never once had to ask him to refill the kids drinks. Normally, I have to literally beg the server to bring the kids a refill. And then they will still forget to do it. Anything we needed he had to the table in a reasonable amount of time. And he was really friendly and had a southern accent which made him even more likable..lol. Then right before we were leaving he came up to me and said, "Ma'am, I just have to say you have the most well behaved kids I have seen in here. And they are so smart, too." Yeah...this one got a huge tip. :)

After that I decided to take the kids to Toys-R-Us and let them pick out a toy since they are doing so well since the move. So Cadee picked out a huge stuffed my little pony toy. Kali picked out a princess dress up set. And Tyler picked out a pack of four action figures. That pretty much made their day. Oh...and as we were leaving something really stupid happened. So I guess I will share it as well. You know those "green bags" that all the stores are carrying now so that you don't have to use plastic? Well, Toys-r-us has the cutest bags with like panda's and polar bears on them. So...I picked out three so the kids could put their toys in them. So the check out lady rings up the bags and puts them in a plastic bag. Duh. I wasn't really mad or anything. I just thought it was funny. I didn't make a big deal about it (since I was still enamored by Matthew S. from Red lobster) . I just asked her to put the stuff in the bags I was purchasing. She kinda looked at us funny. Maybe she didn't know what "going green" is all about. But I'm not really one to judge. I was buying the bags more for their cuteness than the green factor, anyway.

So then we headed to the shoe store. I don't really like going shopping too often because I tend to want to buy...everything. But on this day it was necessary because Tyler needed new shoes for school. We ended up buying everyone a pair of shoes. And I, of course, got two pair. The lady even ended up talking me into buying these super cute, super low cut socks. I have never seen anything like them before. I probably would have never bought them but I was still thinking about Red Lobster. :) Ha...If you haven't noticed a little goes a long way with me. And if you think about it, that's usually how it goes. If he would have been a really crappy waiter then I probably would have been in a bad mood the rest of the day. Therefore not buying anything extra. So here's my theory. Be nice. It boosts the economy. :)

After we left the shoe store I was ready to go home but we still needed to buy Cadee some pants. So we headed over to Target. They have some of the cutest clothes for kids. I absolutely love Target but I hardly ever go in there. It seems like if I accidentally spend $100 in Walmart, if I had gone to Target it would have been $200. lol. Anyway, I did good and only bought her 2 pairs of pants and 1 pair of shorts. But as I was picking those out, Dustin was in the back buying a Wii fit. So it seems maybe he was enamored by Red Lobster guy, too? I don't know. Probably not.

Finally we went home. I was super exhausted. Even though I had slept in, it had been a really long day. Once we got home and got the kids settled down and ready for bed, Dustin and I decided to watch the movie the Changeling. Now anyone who knows me should have known better than to let me watch this movie if they have seen it. Ahem...Savanna! But, I was not warned.

**Spoiler Alert**
Now, I love movies. I like all kinds. But this is not something that I should have watched. It literally made me sick to my stomach. Usually I'm fine watching movies that have some bad things that happen. Usually I just chalk stuff up to being from someone's imagination and it's easier for me to deal with. But if you notice, at the beginning of the movie it says...A True Story. Not "Based on a True story". Just...A True Story. The story is about a woman in the 1920 something's who's son goes missing. Then the police department gives her a child claiming it is her missing son when it isn't. When she tries to tell them it has been a mistake they have her thrown into an asylum. Now I got all that part and yeah it was bad but I was still fine. Until they showed what really happened to the kids. I know there are some jacked up people in the world. But this guy was...UGH. I seriously wanted to throw up. I guess because it had said true story and I knew that this had really happened. I don't think I will ever be able to hear Silent night again with out getting a little nauseous. And I really wanted to punch that one guy from the police department who kept trying to force the kid on her and make her doubt herself saying she was emotional. That is just like a man! lol.

Sunday.
SO...today was the big day. Nana and Bill got married. I tried to video tape some of it but I messed up when she was walking down the isle. I had the camera pointed to the back where she was coming in but I tried to take a picture with my camera when they started walking. So the video camera was just still pointed at the empty area where they had been. lol. After that the rest was pretty easy video.

Then last night we had a going away party for my friend April. She is leaving for Iraq within the next few months. She actually leaves sometime in March but she has to go to a few places to train before she actually goes to Iraq. She's been in the Army for awhile now but this is the first time her unit has been deployed in quite sometime. I'm going to miss her. :(



SO that was my weekend. I had a lot of fun. Oh and Wii fit is so much fun! I recommend that everyone get one.

It's getting easier.

Today was my third day of getting up early and I have to say, it was not as bad as the other days. I guess it also helped that I had a good night's sleep. I actually woke up before my alarm went off.

It was good for me that today of all days that I actually could think straight because Tyler had a meltdown. Kids are so funny. Well, not really funny as in haha. What I mean is they are these small people who have emotions just like adults but they don't know how to express them. So he started out saying something about his birthday party which was news to me because his bday is in September. So I just listened. Then he said, "When I have my birthday party I wanted to invite the kids from my other class." Then he just burst into tears. I told him that it was ok and that by the time he has his birthday he will be in first grade so he would have been in a different class anyway. We kept talking about it for a few minutes. And then he said, " I don't like it when people miss me." I was like, what? So I asked him what he meant. He said that his old teacher, you know the one I hated, told him she would miss him and he doesn't like her missing him. He wants to go back to her class. I explained that I was sorry that we had to move and that he had two teachers now and everything was going to be great. That really didn't help. lol. So I asked him if he liked his new class and he said no. I asked him why and he said there was too much yelling. I assumed he meant from the other kids. But when I asked him what he meant he said the teacher yells at the other kids and he's afraid she going to yell at him. We talked about it some more and I told him I packed him his lunch and then a special snack for snack time (because I am an awesome mom!) and I showed it to him. I thought it would make him happy but he just burst into tears again. So I asked him what was wrong now. He said he wanted to go back to his old class because they had snack before lunch time and his new class has snack before carline. AHHHH...finally. So let me get this straight. He is upset because he misses his old friends and now doesn't like the new class because his routine is totally out of whack and is afraid the teacher is going to yell at him? I totally get it. The birthday thing was what was throwing me off. Also he is probably nervous about starting a new school and moving and all but he didn't know how to deal with. Which then caused the meltdown. I just let him cry for a few minutes because face it, sometimes you just need to get it out. Then I told him he could have some yogurt when he got home from school. Apparently that did the trick and he was fine. And then on the way to school he started telling me some good things that he liked about his new school. So I guess he doesn't totally hate it. It will just take some getting used to.

I'm gonna be whiny for a minute.

So since we moved my life has been kind of...jump started. I say it that way because that is what it feels like. Before, Dustin got Tyler off to school in the mornings and I just slept in with the girls. Then we just sort of had a lazy day where things got done but we didn't have to have a set routine. Now, We ALL have to get up and get ready to go so I can take Tyler and my sister to school. This makes the girls cranky because they are used to sleeping in, too. Then we have to pick them up in the afternoons. And then yesterday, my sister forgot her lunch so I had to take it to her. By the end of the day Kali was like, "Ugh, we are going again?" I feel you, honey.

I think the main thing for me is getting up early. Getting up at 6am really...sucks. I pretty much have no motivation in the morning. Unless, it's for a particularly special reason. Anyway, I can barely drag myself out of bed (especially if it is cold) let alone dress 3 others. At least I have good kids though. I can barely think straight and the kids are so funny. This morning for instance, Cadee was following me around the house while I was aimlessly searching for who knows what, and she started saying "I wanna brush teeth, Mommy". Yes! That was the next thing I couldn't remember that I had to do. Brush the kids teeth. Thanks Cay. Then as we were leaving, the alarm in my car went off saying low gas. So I said, "Great! I need to get gas" out loud. Then I got side tracked taking everyone to school and all. But on the way home, right before I drove 10 miles into the boonies where there isn't any gas stations Kali speaks up and says, "You can get gas right here, Mommy." Wow. How can a 4 year old and 2 year old be alert and know whats going on and I can barely function? I don't drink coffee or anything so that wouldn't be of any use to me. I think I need some vitamins or something.

You know, the real reason for all this is Dustin. It's all his fault for spoiling me. Now I have to be a grown up. Boo!

Something I wrote.

I was watching this movie the other day and it reminded me of a few things and then I felt inspired. So I wrote this.


I wonder if you ever think of me
If you ever think about how it felt
When our lips first touched
I wonder if the fire still burns your lips
I see you talking
but I can't hear a word
I can only see your mouth
Wishing it was on mine
Your tongue caressing mine
Just like the first time
Telling me that you want me
Without ever saying a word
Do you wish your lips could still touch mine?
Do you ever think of me?


It's really funny how this came about because I just so happened to be looking at Scarlett Johansen's lips when I felt inspired to write this. But just so you know this was NOT inspired by a real life girl. Haha...I just have a really odd thought process, OK?

It's too early.

I am not a morning person. I would rather stay up all night, go to bed around 7am, and sleep til about 1pm or 2pm. As a mom though, that is totally unreasonable. So I have to get up when everyone else does. Which with the girls I have been totally lucky because they like to sleep in as well. But since we've moved, I have had to become the responsible adult that I should already have been. Boo.

So this morning I had to get up at about 6:30 am and start trying to get all three kids ready to go so I could get Tyler and Savanna to school on time. What I discovered is that I was totally unprepared to take on this early morning task. It worked out though and everyone made it to school on time. I just know exactly what to do for tomorrow to make it go a little bit smoother. I wish I could find a babysitter that would take Kali and Cadee for a couple hours after I dropped Tyler and Savanna at school. That way I could just go straight to the gym while I was out. That would make *my* day a little smoother. :)

Oh and Tyler started his first day at his new school today. It's a brand new school so everything is really nice. And the staff was nice. His old school just really irritated me. Especially his teacher. But at this school he has two teachers. What was so funny was that I actually knew one of them. She looked a little familiar when I first saw her. I remember her with really blonde hair and now she is a dark brunette. Then she was like, "I know you, we used to ride the bus together!" I want to say I knew her from Petal but I'm not sure. I have been to a lot of schools and rode many buses so, who knows? He seemed pretty comfortable going into a new class. if he is anything like me he will be fine. I can make friends with anyone. And I'm not really shy in a new setting. Ha...I don't think I could be concidered shy in any type of setting.

Anyway, I read a friends blog last night. He had posted random pics and stuff that he had seen just as he was going about his day. It was really great. So today, while I was out...Early...I looked around and actually took note of what I was seeing. I didn't take pictures or anything. Although, I thought about it. But it was great to just be able to see the world and not be so caught up in the rush of things. Ha...I'm all about really "living in the moment" these days. And not being such a muli-tasker that I miss everything.

Then as I was "discovering" the world, I noticed Bill in my Nana's driveway as I was pulling into my drive way. I thought to myself that it was kinda weird that he would be over there so early. I mean it was almost 8:30 am. And I know she likes to sleep late. So I went ahead and got the girls out of the car and then I saw him walking around outside. Then he just got in his SUV and started to leave. That's when I noticed he had my Nana's trash on the hood of his car. He pulled over, got out, put the trash by the road, said hello to me and the girls, got back in, and then drove away. So apparently....Bill got up early, drove all the way over here, we live out in the country, and took her garbage out for her. Who does that? It sounds like something Dustin would do for me. SO now since I'm thinking of it like that, I guess this whole Bill and Nana getting married thing isn't so bad. Now I'm wishing I would have gotten a pic of Bill taking the trash out. lol.

It's been a minute.

When I created this blog, I had hoped that I would be able to update it pretty regularly. What I didn't realize was that right about the same time I would go through some sort of melt down. But...I am happy to announce that said melt down has run it's course and I'm back to just being the regular crazy me as opposed to the overly crazy me.

So let's see. A few things have happened since I last posted. We finally moved back to Ellisville. The move wasn't all that bad. And it didn't cost a fortune. Which is great. We basically had a van donated to us with gas included for a whole week. Isn't that something? Now I'm trying to unpack and I'm finding myself very unmotivated. Not for the reasons you would think though. I love where we are living now. I love the country. It's so peaceful here. I just want to sit back and relax and do nothing. It almost feels like time has stopped just for me and let me finally breathe for a minute. Haha...I know I'm not that special though.

Oh and my Nana set a wedding date. March 22. Oh, wait. They changed it. It's March 7th now. The day after my Papa's birthday. No. That's not right either. Oh yeah, It's this Sunday!! What the crap? Oh well. And then of all things my brother had no clue she had even decided to get married. I sent him a message on facebook to let him know about the newest date change and he totally freaked out. I can't believe he didn't know. We've been talking about it for weeks now. Anyway, Like I said before I'm really happy for her. It's hard for me but I'm dealing with it. But what makes me Furious is when someone who is not from my family freaks out about her getting married . Most of the time it's people from our church. I know they looked up to him (my Papa) as a pastor and all but what the freak people? If I, a member of his family who loved him dearly, can grin and bare it then you should be able to get over yourself for five freaking minutes and let a lady be happy. It makes me livid when they get visibly upset with crying and all. I really could just slap someone. But Thank GOD, I have self-control.

So now that my self professed melt down is over, I have been able to think clearly. Which has been amazing. And I'm writing again. I have all these ideas of things I want to write as well. So many actually that I can't even get them down on paper before a new idea starts. It's been crazy. I have had a spiritual awakening of some sort and I can see the world differently. I feel creative again. Not like some idiot who popped out a couple of kids and is struggling to keep her mind straight. I don't feel fragmented anymore. Maybe I had a quarter life (+ a year) crisis or something. But whatever it was is gone. And also I feel things now. That has been the worst part. Not being able to feel anything. But now I feel everything. I feel whole again. I feel full of life. I feel loved. I feel like I matter. I feel wise. I feel confident. I feel needed. I feel motherly. I feel important. I actually feel beautiful for the first time in a really long time. I don't have to have someone tell me it. I just feel it. It's amazing. Although, I still like to hear it occasionally. :)


Since we finally got moved, I was finally able to start going to the gym again. I have been so ready to go. Today was my first day and I totally loved it. I want to go back again already. It's so weird to me how much I have actually missed going to the gym since I have never really been athletic or anything. It's like I have been craving it. Just like I have been craving pineapple. I never really liked pineapple before but now it's like I can't get enough of it. Weird.

Tyler is starting his new school tomorrow. Well, now it's actually today since it's after midnight but whatever. I'm kind of nervous about it. I always hated switching schools so I hope everything goes smoothly.

So that about sums it up. Maybe now since the move is over I can post things more regularly and they won't be all jumbled into one post.