March 13, 2010

Today was an ok day. I slept in. So much so that once I did finally get up it was just in time to get ready for work.

My dad is in town. Well the next town over anyway. He lives in Tennessee but came down to visit family. He sent me a text 2 days ago saying he was coming down. I can't take anytime off of work though. You have to request days off 30-45 days in advance. So hopefully I will get a chance to see him before he goes home.

Other than that I have been feeling a little crappy. I keep getting myself in these situations and once I'm in I don't know how to deal. It's like everytime I think this time will be different. But it never is. I'm just ready for something different. Something honest. Something real.

March Already? Dang. Where is the time going?

Well, I haven't attempted to write in awhile. Just working, working, working. It's funny. I miss writing. I just never find the time anymore. Maybe I have bloggers block. Ha.

Anywho, I think the main thing is that I was too depressed to write. That's funny as well. Back in my high school days when I was depressed was when I was my most creative. Especially when I was heartbroken. Now I just feel so blah. I need some fresh material to work with. I'm tired of all this.

And as a side note, what is it with men? Why can't they just be with you? Why do they have to try to control you? What ever happened to being partners? I mean Yes, I believe the man should be the head of the household. But a woman should be his partner. Not his stepping stone.

Unfortunately, a man trying to control me will never work. So until I can find a man who is secure enough to be a man but also allow me to be a woman, then I guess I will just stay single. Well after the ink dries on my divorce papers that is.

I think I am going to force myself to blog everyday. Even if its about something stupid. I need to feel like me again. Get back into doing the things that make me happy. Yeah. That sounds like a plan.

OH Happy Day

I have been waiting for Wednesday all week. Monday was a horrible day. Isn't Monday usually though? But in this case, it was extra horrible. I went in to work as usually. Everything seemed fine. When I went to my first break though, a girl whom I had met in my training class when we first got hired asked me if I was scared. I, of course, asked why I would be scared. Then she informed me that "they" were laying off people. And that they had been letting people go all day. *shock set in* And so I let her know real quick that of course I was scared! I have worked for "them" before and I knew what happens after the holidays. Just didn't know it would happen *this* quick. I was on the edge of me seat the entire rest of the night. Even after I knew "they" had went home for the day. Think I may have even gave myself whiplash from checking over my shoulder all evening. At every break people who hadn't been "tapped" yet were discussing what they thought was happening. I don't think anyone knew anything directly. Just had overheard (mostly just gossip) things. I hate gossip. It makes it so hard to figure out the truth. I heard everything from, "They are keeping only 20-50 people" to "They let 20 people go today and will let 50 go tomorrow."

So here is what I know. The FACTS if you will. lol.

-A lady was walking around tapping people on the shoulder taking them to a room.
-After they left the room they were escorted out badgeless.
-Way more than 20 left that day.
-The next day the lady did not come back for more tapping.


I don't know if they are completely done with tapping. But I can say at least I wasn't one of the first ones to go if I do indeed end up get tapped.

And so here it is my lovely day off. The day I get to spend relaxing with no worries. With hopes of getting my nails done and eating Chinese.

And it is pouring rain.
And my 3 year old just started puking.

Yay!

Wow

So. Obviously it's been awhile. A lot has changed since the last time I posted. I have changed a lot since the last time I posted. But now, I am ready to write again. And hopefully keep this blog updated regularly. Hopefully...

Oh lately it's so quiet.

I hate the unknown.
I hate not knowing things.
I hate feeling unsettled.
I hate wondering.
I hate thinking.
I hate complication.
I hate desire.
I hate confusion.
I hate distraction.
I hate time.
I hate distance.
I hate missing.
I hate not being good enough.
I hate losing.
I hate hurting.
I hate love.
But most of all, I hate what I've become.

If I'm honest, I don't hate at all.
I just feel too much.
I feel too deeply.
Sometimes it hurts too much.
It's quiet now, though.
I have nothing to focus on but the pain.

I can't blame anyone but myself.

I've got my memories always inside of me. But I can't go back to how it was.

I was watching my girls play today. They are so sweet. They were just playing without a care in the world. It made me want to go back to when things were so much simpler. Then all of a sudden Cadee scraped her head on something. She cried for a few seconds, unlike Kali who would have screamed for about an hour. lol. So I picked her up and fixed it up with some neosporin and a bandaid. I asked her if she was OK and she said, "I hurt." I told her it was OK and she said, 'Kiss it." So I did. And then she smiled and said, "All Better!"

Sometimes I wish this worked in the real world. Wouldn't it be awesome if a kiss could make everything better? Erase all the hurt and pain? It's sad to think that when she's older I won't be able to kiss away all the pain when she gets her heart broken over a silly boy. Or when she is sad about losing a friend.

Now when I think back over my life and all the things I have experienced, I feel helpless. I know I can't shelter them from everything. But as a mother I have to somehow figure out how to guide them to make the right decisions. So that maybe... just maybe, when situations come along they will be strong enough to make it through unscathed. Unlike me, who pretty much was a mess my whole life.

I think my problem has always been that I don't trust my feelings. Like... I'll know something doesn't seem right but still I will pursuit it or let it pursuit me. So it's not really about knowledge of the situation, it's the confidence to trust yourself when the situation arises. The strength to not be swayed by others. To stay firm in your convictions. How to not compromise yourself or your standards. Great. DO they have a book on how to teach those things?

Oh wait...they do. It's called the Bible.

The weekend.

I was so ready for this past weekend. Getting up early everyday was really taking a toll on me. Now, I know I was a little whiny about it but what you have to understand is that my morning starts out as Rush Rush Rush from 6 am til 7:45 am and then...nothing. Then at 2:30 pm it's Rush Rush Rush and then...nothing again until time to make dinner. So it's a series of ups and downs all day long. So anyway, I could not wait til Friday.

Friday night.
I got to sing at this youth conference that my church was having. It was really great. I haven't sang on stage like that in several years. I usually get all nervous and pitchy but I did great this time and I was really proud of myself. And then the guy teaching, Joey Smith, was...Amazing.

Saturday.
I got to sleep in! I was so happy about that. It's not that I've never gotten up early before because I have. It's just that now I have to get up and then actually leave the house early which makes a difference. But anyway, I got to sleep in. Then we all got ready and went to eat at Red Lobster. At Red Lobster, we had the best server I have ever had in a restaurant. Seriously, this guy was amazing. I asked him one time jokingly if he would crack all my snow crab legs and he said he really would. I told him no that I had been kidding but a few minutes later he came back with gloves on ready to crack. Dustin says they are required to do it but I don't care. It was great. For some reason it seems like the crab legs taste better when someone else cracks them. :) Tyler decided he wanted to try the crab and he said it was "gooder" than anything he had ever eaten before. lol. Also about the waiter, I never once had to ask him to refill the kids drinks. Normally, I have to literally beg the server to bring the kids a refill. And then they will still forget to do it. Anything we needed he had to the table in a reasonable amount of time. And he was really friendly and had a southern accent which made him even more likable..lol. Then right before we were leaving he came up to me and said, "Ma'am, I just have to say you have the most well behaved kids I have seen in here. And they are so smart, too." Yeah...this one got a huge tip. :)

After that I decided to take the kids to Toys-R-Us and let them pick out a toy since they are doing so well since the move. So Cadee picked out a huge stuffed my little pony toy. Kali picked out a princess dress up set. And Tyler picked out a pack of four action figures. That pretty much made their day. Oh...and as we were leaving something really stupid happened. So I guess I will share it as well. You know those "green bags" that all the stores are carrying now so that you don't have to use plastic? Well, Toys-r-us has the cutest bags with like panda's and polar bears on them. So...I picked out three so the kids could put their toys in them. So the check out lady rings up the bags and puts them in a plastic bag. Duh. I wasn't really mad or anything. I just thought it was funny. I didn't make a big deal about it (since I was still enamored by Matthew S. from Red lobster) . I just asked her to put the stuff in the bags I was purchasing. She kinda looked at us funny. Maybe she didn't know what "going green" is all about. But I'm not really one to judge. I was buying the bags more for their cuteness than the green factor, anyway.

So then we headed to the shoe store. I don't really like going shopping too often because I tend to want to buy...everything. But on this day it was necessary because Tyler needed new shoes for school. We ended up buying everyone a pair of shoes. And I, of course, got two pair. The lady even ended up talking me into buying these super cute, super low cut socks. I have never seen anything like them before. I probably would have never bought them but I was still thinking about Red Lobster. :) Ha...If you haven't noticed a little goes a long way with me. And if you think about it, that's usually how it goes. If he would have been a really crappy waiter then I probably would have been in a bad mood the rest of the day. Therefore not buying anything extra. So here's my theory. Be nice. It boosts the economy. :)

After we left the shoe store I was ready to go home but we still needed to buy Cadee some pants. So we headed over to Target. They have some of the cutest clothes for kids. I absolutely love Target but I hardly ever go in there. It seems like if I accidentally spend $100 in Walmart, if I had gone to Target it would have been $200. lol. Anyway, I did good and only bought her 2 pairs of pants and 1 pair of shorts. But as I was picking those out, Dustin was in the back buying a Wii fit. So it seems maybe he was enamored by Red Lobster guy, too? I don't know. Probably not.

Finally we went home. I was super exhausted. Even though I had slept in, it had been a really long day. Once we got home and got the kids settled down and ready for bed, Dustin and I decided to watch the movie the Changeling. Now anyone who knows me should have known better than to let me watch this movie if they have seen it. Ahem...Savanna! But, I was not warned.

**Spoiler Alert**
Now, I love movies. I like all kinds. But this is not something that I should have watched. It literally made me sick to my stomach. Usually I'm fine watching movies that have some bad things that happen. Usually I just chalk stuff up to being from someone's imagination and it's easier for me to deal with. But if you notice, at the beginning of the movie it says...A True Story. Not "Based on a True story". Just...A True Story. The story is about a woman in the 1920 something's who's son goes missing. Then the police department gives her a child claiming it is her missing son when it isn't. When she tries to tell them it has been a mistake they have her thrown into an asylum. Now I got all that part and yeah it was bad but I was still fine. Until they showed what really happened to the kids. I know there are some jacked up people in the world. But this guy was...UGH. I seriously wanted to throw up. I guess because it had said true story and I knew that this had really happened. I don't think I will ever be able to hear Silent night again with out getting a little nauseous. And I really wanted to punch that one guy from the police department who kept trying to force the kid on her and make her doubt herself saying she was emotional. That is just like a man! lol.

Sunday.
SO...today was the big day. Nana and Bill got married. I tried to video tape some of it but I messed up when she was walking down the isle. I had the camera pointed to the back where she was coming in but I tried to take a picture with my camera when they started walking. So the video camera was just still pointed at the empty area where they had been. lol. After that the rest was pretty easy video.

Then last night we had a going away party for my friend April. She is leaving for Iraq within the next few months. She actually leaves sometime in March but she has to go to a few places to train before she actually goes to Iraq. She's been in the Army for awhile now but this is the first time her unit has been deployed in quite sometime. I'm going to miss her. :(



SO that was my weekend. I had a lot of fun. Oh and Wii fit is so much fun! I recommend that everyone get one.